Indiana Jones and the impossible hope of a nation

One line Summary: It's Indiana Jones. You know what to expect.

How do you go about reviewing a film that die hard fans and webs geeks have been feverishly salivating about for the last 19 years? How can a film possibly live up to the expectations that a heavily nostalgic public have placed upon the cast and crew? How can Harrison Ford still swing around without putting his back out? All of these questions will be answered...below.

So to start - One thing I think a lot of people have forgotten in the hysteria leading up to Indiana's latest adventure, is that it is indeed an Indiana Jones film. Its not Shakespeare, its not a hugely psychological exploration into the human condition and our relationship with the subconscious - its an Indiana Jones film. I'm not sure what everyone was expecting - but if your unfamiliar with what this film promises - then go back and rewatch the first three and I'll meet you back here... Hey welcome back! Notice anything in common between the first three films? Yup thats right. Indiana Jones goes looking for something, races against bad guys to get there, gets into lots of fights, has some form of chase, is captured at least once - and manages to bag the girl. Its not rocket science - but it is good fun.

So onto Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or IJATKOTCS as it shall henceforth be known. Coming 19 years after the (supposedly) Last Crusade, we catch up with Indiana who seems to have lost no steam or passion for tomb raiding or fighting with bad people. Add into the mix a new sidekick (the not as bad as I thought he would he Shia Leabouf) and a few others along the way, Harrison swings and races to get to the Crystal Skull. And thats all you really need to know.

So how can a film live up to 19 years of expectation? If the Phantom Menace taught us one thing - its that films can't live up to years of hype and anticipation. And of course IJATKOTCS can't be everything we were hoping, but then again I'm not sure what we were hoping for...

And finally - can Harrison still cut it, and is the film any good? Well below I've helpfully worked that out for us with the to ingeniously names categories 'The Good' and 'The Bad.'

The Good

Its fun. Once it gets going the chases and fights parrell the thrill and excitement of the previous trilogy.
Harrison Ford can still cut it as Indiana Jones - as soon as the film starts his age becomes a non issue.
It's just good to see a new Indiana Jones film - once the music kicks in I defy you to not smile.

The Bad

Some have said that the SPOILER Alien plot END SPOILER ruins the film, and is too far fetched. And I'm in agreement. Yes I can handle evil spirits, bodily possession, evil demons in pits, 2,000 year old templar knights - but when it comes to UFO's in Indiana Jones - no thank you Mr Lucas.
The ending feels completely out of place in the franchise - I was told that Spielberg was using the least amount of special effects possible to make the film - who ever told me that LIED.
The script - while not bad, if Ford, Lucas and Spielberg spent 20 years trying to find the right script - I'm pretty sure they could have found one that was great as opposed to good.

Summary:

A good addition to the Indiana Jones franchise. But a strong emphasis on good. I wanted great.

How many people walked out? 0 - although I had to duck down as my boss entered the cinema and I was watching it during work time.
Best Performance? Hmmm - generally everyone is good
Worst Performance? CGI - bad George Lucas!
Will 'us' Christians Cope? Old people should be in the church - not running around with bad Russians!
This film is as enjoyable as... Watching Temple of Doom on DVD
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmm.5

PS3 - This is living!

T-Dog has joined the illustrious list of Playstation 3 owners. He has rediscovered what it is like to play computer games. T-Dog likes it a lot. T-Dog is not expecting to do any work or essay writing ever again. T-Dog is now an assassin in the Holy Land. If only PS3 was real living...

Dollhouse

Joss Whedon. He directs things that I like. He's a geek and does geeky programs that I love (and become sightly obsessed with) Here's a trailer for his upcoming project Dollhouse:



Lets hope this doesn't join the list of great shows no one ever bothers to watch.

Because I'm from the Hood'

I infiltrated Matt Adcocks blog and decided to leave my mark (what I didn't mention was that in fact I am from a middle class hood' and so I removed it shortly afterwards.) However, my handiwork is below:

Ok so really all I did was go on this site sent to me by Brother P-Dog - but its good fun nonetheless. Did I mention that Matt's my hero?

Summer movies of 2008

Respect to Hollywood Ink for summing up this years film in one swoop:
(Click for a bigger look) How many films can you count?

The Woods 3 Trailer

I bring you the latest offering from Wade Bros Productions:

The first trailer for the long awaited and much anticipated 'The Woods 3.'

Groundbreakingly shot entirely on mobile phones and designed to be watched on the small screen, the Woods 3 brings the big scares to a smaller size!

The Dark Knight Trailer is live

So the next 'Dark Knight' trailer is finally officially released (after everyone has seen the bootlegged version) and its looking great to see in HD Quicktime. What intrigues me most about the film is not so much the Joker (although fair enough due to Ledger's death and also the fact that he looks amazing a lot of the attention will be on him) but instead on the character arc of Harvey Dent who is played by Aaron Eckhart. Now its common knowledge that Dent goes from being top good guy and mate of Bruce Wayne to become 2-Face, another villain of the Batman universe.

Whats interesting is that the latest trailer may give us 2 shots - one of Dent being badly burned (and starting the transformation to 2-Face) and the second with Dent now as 2-Face. Have a look at the screen caps I took and see for yourself...

1st Shot is from 1 minute 54 seconds


And the second POSSIBLY showing Dent as 2-Face is from 2 minutes and 2 seconds


Hmmm. Interesting (well for me) The Dark Knight is out July 18th.

Woah: UPDATE!

Been watching it again, and correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the Scarecrow in the Car that Batman is about to land on?! Click on the picture to get a closer look..

I am Iron Man

One Line Summary: Rich playboy Geek creates a suit to go fight the evil in the world, and possibly a close friend who is EVIL...

Iron Man... Anyone heard of it recently? Yup didn't think so - its all been pretty discreet. But its here, so no matter how much you try and put your head in the sand its coming for you.

But don't fret because it's pretty good. In fact its the best reviewed Comic book film of all time and winning over even Superhero naysayers out there (i.e my Mum)

The film follows the origin path in a similar vein to X-Men so don't be expecting to see Iron Man soar till at least an hour into the film. But this is a good thing, as I'm not really one to get excited as CGI characters do battle across the screen (take note the unpcoming 25 minute smackdown at the end of Incredible Hulk...) so any time that is spent following Iron Man creator Tony Stark the better in my opinion. Which might not sound so exciting, until I point out that our star in Iron Man is none other than Robert Downey Jr who is THE coolest actor in Hollywood - and utterly inspired casting.

In fact Iron Man rises above so many of our recent lousy comic book outings because of Downey Jr. and his performance that is sheer quality. And he's supported surprisingly well by Gwyneth Paltrow who pulls out a credible role in the not quite damsel in distress (and proves not to be as boring as I've somehow got it into my head that she is) and finally completing our list of good characters (Terence Howard not included due to the fact that he IS boring) is Jeff Bridges who - you know - is the Dude so can do nothing wrong.

Lets face it, if you're going to see a comic book film then your not going expecting Shakespeare - and your not going expecting realism. In fact if you do find yourself going 'This is very unrealistic isn't it?' then shame on you! Its a comic book film - deal with it.

That in mind - you've probably already got an idea of whether you'd like Iron Man or not - so all its left up to me to do is to say YES it is good, maybe it takes too long with the origin stuff for some peoples opinion, but I didn't mind. And Downey Jr is great. Go see it. And stay till the end of the credits.

How many people walked out? 0 - and a packed house. People love the Superheros.
Best Performance? Mr Downey Jr. I would watch you sleeping...
Worst Performance? Terence Howard - you do not inspire me I'm afraid
Will 'us' Christians Cope? A person flying in an Iron Costume?! We all know only Jesus can fly...
This film is as enjoyable as... Getting a bowl full of marshmallows in my Lucky Charms
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmm

Things I love about the world 6

Number 6: Christian Movie Websites.

I LOVE Christian Movie review websites. They always manage to cheer me up if I'm feeling blue. I've been writing a session plan on 'Enchanted' this week for Urban Saints (you can read my criminally short review here) and was scanning the web to gather some opinions on the film. Possibly my favourite was courtesy of Christiananswers.net that stated that Enchanted had negative content, including:

'Negative Content:

While looking for Giselle, Edward knocks on the door of a male biker, who looks at him suggestively (Edward leaves right away). Several people kiss. There is a naked statue in Robert’s office building.

Troll snot lands on one character. Cockroaches and sewer rats clean the house. A bird eats a cockroach. Giselle almost swallows a live fish. A poodle and Pip go to the bathroom.'

Wow. My numbed mind had no idea...

After reading this I can only come to the conclusion that this film deserves to be banned and placed alongside 'The Da Vinci Code' and "The Golden Compass' and confined to the depths of hell.

Cassandras Dream

One Line Summary: 2 brothers need some money, Uncle Herbert says they can have some if they kill someone for him - cue philosophising, bungled murder attempts and dodgey accents.

I'm going to tell you a secret - but keep it quiet as it may lower peoples opinion of me (if it can get lower) but here it goes *whispers* I'm not a big fan of Woody Allen films. Thats it. It's out in the open. Although after witnessing Woody's latest film, I'm feeling slightly more confident in telling people.

It could be said that in his later career Woody has lost the plot, and while that may be slightly unfair its actually rather relevant. Woody hasn't so much lost the plot - but the whole ability to tell a story and keep it interesting.

Starting with our stars Ewan McGreggor and Colin Farrell (who I praised last week) running to a boat, I began to question whether I had settled down to Brokeback SeaMountain, but its quickly established they are brothers to remove any gay subtext. Ok so far so good. But then - suddenly our 2 stars open their mouths and utter their various attempts at cockney English, and any goodwill I had towards the film quickly flew out the window. Sporting accents that change in every scene, and ruin any emphasis on (poorly constructed) lines that they have, our Scottish and Irish star respectively sound like they have both taken dialect lessons from episodes of 'Allo Allo.'

And alas, things don't get much better from there. Instead we're presented with a bloated story that stutters and strays down cliché avenue at every possible opportunity, and a cast of unlikable characters that had me wishing for some form of mass genocide to besiege the film.

Sure - die hard fans will lap this up and claim its a return to form, gushing over the various philosophising and morals on view, but I'm remaining defiant. Infact let me sum up the film for you right now.

Ewan: We have to kill someone ok. For money. Cos' its in humanity to kill
Colin: Erm, arrrggghhh, glug glug ok.
Ewan: Sweet - I can pamper my unlikeable girlfriend
- Pink Panther style music plays out everytime something BAD is going to happen -
Colin: I CANT TAKE WHAT WE DID
Ewan: Oh - but - ah - erm - please don't tell
Colin: Too late for that
- They fight, there may be deaths involved -
- Credits roll -

Done. Seriously, go out - clean windows, break a finger, just don't waste time on this drivel that has as many twists and turns as a 6 foot long driveway. Woody, Ewan - whats happening to your careers?

How many people walked out? 0 - but generally film reviewers don't and its bad form in a press screaning to do so.
Best Performance? The comfy seat I had
Worst Performance? Take your pick, but my blame rests with Woody and the accents
Will 'us' Christians Cope? Accents are not biblical! Did the tower of babel teach us NOTHING?
This film is as enjoyable as... Discovering that first gray hair
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – m

Funny Games

One Line Summary: Family is held hostage in their lake house by two young males who make a bet with them that they will be dead by morning...

“It’s the only film I’ve made to provoke viewers.” Michael Haneke, (director.)

When it comes to funny games my mind is inclined to think about watching a bout of Cow tipping or watching a man try and run in a straight line after being spun around 50 times, it is not however inclined to think that anything that happens in 'Funny Games' is funny - nor gratifying to watch.

Indeed, how does one go about reviewing a film that he would not watch again, not particularly enjoyed, nor recommend to anyone - yet acknowledge that its a powerful, very good piece of cinema at the same time.

Opening with some nice opera music, the calm atmosphere is shattered as screamo rock blares out as the title of the film appears - what we see though is the family we have been presented with, (mother, father, 11 year old boy) still enjoying opera. If you ever needed an indication that something bad is going to happen in a film - this is it.

What we witness after the opening credits is a visceral assault on morality and the senses, as we watch a families holiday interrupted by 2 very, very creepy guys who invade the family home. Wearing all white, with with gloves, and similar hair styles, the two males immediately incapacitate the father of family, breaking his leg. This is not going to be a Hollywood film where the father figure fights back and saves the day - this is brutal, shocking, and alarmingly real.

I'm not sure that I could say I enjoyed the film (an exact shot for shot of the German original, shot by the same director Michael Haneke - but apparently a story he always meant for America) but I did find it horribly compulsive viewing. Try as you might, you cannot steer your eyes from the screen - and the film knows this. Several times the main protagionist (THE scariest actor in the world Michael Pitt) eyeballs the audience and comments on the action, its jarring, unpleasant, but very important to the film. How far does our voyeurism go? What are we prepared to watch? If this film is anything to judge us by, unfortunately its a lot.

Uncomfortable, brutal and scary, Funny Games is an experience that you will not want to go through again, but one that I'm glad I did.

How many people walked out? 0 - though I was concerned about the 2 old ladies behind me
Best Performance? Michael Pitt haunts my nightmares.
Worst Performance? Us - the audience
Will 'us' Christians Cope? A dog is brutally killed, so no.
This film is as enjoyable as... Its not.
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmm

Belgium Bun

In Bruges.

One line summary: 2 Irish hitmen are sent to Bruges after a hit gone wrong - cue sightseeing, jokes about small people and beer.

Am I allowed to say that in our world of P.C correctness its a breath of fresh air to see a film that is anything but P.C? Well I said it, and I'm standing by it.

Straight from the off - I loved this film. It was great to see something tonally unique on screen, a film that is hilarious and tragic, irreverent and wistful, and stacked with characters learning to come to terms with their lives - AND love Bruges.

'After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames and washed my hands in a Burger King and waited for instructions,'

Colin Farrell is on fine form, stealing the film and every inch of the film every time he's on. And Farrell practically revels in a film that allows him display some comic chops, and get in a fight with a fat American, punch a Canadian man and women in a restaurant (She was carrying a bottle!) blind a mugger with a blank bullet and karate chop a dwarf.

'They're filming midgets!'

Farrell also gets the chance to get intimate with Chloë (Clémence Poésy - the hot one from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire") and falls instantly in love (as do we). Suddenly Bruges may not be so bad after all.

For me to go on much more about "In Bruges" would spoil the experience, but as I hinted earlier, we do get a lot of laughs concerning a dwarf, Jimmy (Jordan Prentice - fair play to the bloke, he takes a lot of stick), and learn the fine differences between alcoves and nooks and crannies. And 'In Bruges' is able to summon volumes about the human condition more than any other film so far in 2008.

'In Bruges' manages to take us on the full spectrum of emotions over the course of the running time, from laughter to tragedy, action to poignancy - and it has dwarf jokes - which we all secretly find funny. And it has the following line - THE greatest line of 2008:

'Purgatory, its neither great nor really bad. Just average. Like Tottenham' And I'm 100% sure he was referring to the football team...

How many people walked out of surgery? 1 - though I'm pretty sure it was a toilet break.
Best Performance? Colin Farrell runs away with it.
Worst Performance? The front left speaker that had blown and was buzzing throughout.
Will 'us' Christians Cope? It's set in Belgium, has guns and features small people. Do I need to mention any more unbiblical items?!
This film is as enjoyable as... Discovering a 5 pound note in your shoe
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmm

Much Ado About Lauren Trailer!

The first 'Much Ado About Lauren' Trailer from visionary director Dave Jenkins and produced by Wade Bros Productions!

Starring a wealth of talent from the Luton and Harpenden area, 'Much ado about Lauren' is the Wade Bros first feature length film.

Filming is nearly complete, and so to get you all excited, here is the first tralier with a few little sneak peaks. I'm excited and so should you!

'Much ado about Lauren' a film for anyone who has ever been in love...

Release date: June 2008

Shine a light

One line summary: Watch the Rolling Stones perform and see Mick Jagger shake his hips.

The Rolling Stones, a band that was around at the dawn of time and a band that will probably still be here when aliens land to conquer us all in the year 3000.

'Shine a Light' is probably as simple as a music documentary can get, instead of long interviews with the band, we are treated to sparse archive footage of the guys throughout the years - the main focus of this Scorsese documentary is capturing the Stones in full flight, watching them close up and personal as they do what they do best - perform live.

Father T-Dog is an avid fan of 'The Rolling Stones' and has subjected me over the years to pretty much every LP, Tape, CD, Concert that he has been able to get his hands on. Which actually means then when sitting down to watch 'Shine a Light' I was pleasantly surprised to see that I knew pretty much every song they were playing word for word.

The best thing about 'Shine a Light' is that is does its job very well, focusing on each Stone player close up, catapulting you into the performance and into the screen. It is a rare occasion that I have seen the 'older generation' get so excited while at the cinema. And I guess thats where the appeal of the Rolling Stones lies. A band that has defied the ages and that just keeps going. I'm not sure if we'll ever have a band again that has had such an extensive career that continues to exude class and energy. Seeing a band with the average age of over 60 skip, gyrate (and in the case of Keith Richards breathing is a bonus) and dance around the stage throughly puts the current crop of 'Rock Stars' to shame.

Very simply, if you like the 'Rolling Stones' and have never had a chance to see them live, this is probably the closest you will get. (here comes the paragraph with as many song titles as I can manage - get counting mum)

You can't always get what you want, but seeing a band that manages to start me up and one that will not fade away really got me rocking. If you want to really see this as it was meant to be seen, ensure that Wild Horses wont keep you away from the cinema, there are no mixed emotions here, you'll leave happy, shattered and certain that the love is strong between these guys. Thank goodness that its not all over now for these guys - and this is not the last time we will see them. This is Jagger saying to us 'Lets spend the night together' and undercover of the night we can have some coffee with some brown sugar. Shine a light is an emotional rescue, and you really would be a fool to cry after witnessing it. It may only be rock and roll - but I like it.

How many people walked out of surgery? 0 - no one leaves a Stones concert.
Best Performance? Charlie Watt's is by far the coolest.
Worst Performance? Stevenage cinema cutting off the first 5 minutes of sound grrrr.
Will 'us' Christians Cope? Hip shaking, belly baring band of old. And we all know that the church decided a long time ago that the Rolling Stones are EVIL! Plus people of their age should not be rocking, they should be going to church, sitting in the same seat every week and telling people to turn the sound down.
This film is as enjoyable as... Pulling off that riff on extreme difficulty on Guitar Hero
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmmm

Patheticology

One line summary: A med Doctor starts a new job and joins a game where he kills people while his fellow Pathologists have to work out how he did it. Also he gets aroused by dead people.

The following is taken from Doctor T-Dog's memoirs. No longer available on Amazon.

Friday 11th April 2008

The patient 'Pathology' was handed to me at approximately 10pm, accompanied by a large irritating buzz that filled the operating theater, and would not disappear throughout hte duration of my time with the patient. I was joined by fellow Doctors Darkmatter and my younger, better looking and more talented brother Doctor S-Dog.

Our suspicions had been aroused about the patient due to no medical notes being shown to fellow doctors before his release, it appears that its creators were trying to hide something from innocent Doctors who will be examining the subject. And alas, approximately 10:01pm it became apparent as to why this had been the case.

I am afraid that in all my years in med school, and in professional practice, I have yet to come across a patient that has flopped and died so rapidly while in my care. Indeed I was left with a feeling of hopelessness and remorse as I sat and observed the patient for 2 very long hours.

Take for example Milo Ventimiglia, (the star of a previously well received patient 'Heroes') who is the main driving force behind 'Pathology.' Unfortunately for Doctors around the world, Milo presents as much acting ability as a poster, distracting me with a) an annoying twitch in his mouth that makes him look like he's about to exclaim 'Egg!' at the beginning and end of every sentence b) his tone of voice does not shift or alter even when not speaking c) the fact that his character is - mind my French - a complete arse d) his hair resembles that of a Burtons employee and finally e) I kept expecting him to use telekonesis.

And on further inspection I'm pretty sure the medical chart when being devised for 'Pathology' looked something like this:

Boobs! blood and guts, poorly executed script and lines, Boobs! blood and guts, poorly executed script and lines, Boobs! blood and guts, poorly executed script and lines, Boobs! etc etc

The art of 'Pathology' (the cutting up of dead people to see how they died for all those non-Doctors out there) is one that should never have been shown to the public as it is a) not particularly nice to watch, coming across like an episode of 'Casualty' after consuming some magic mushrooms and b) not very exciting and c) involves not a single nice character in it.

Time of death: 10:01pm

I tried all I can, but I am afraid that this patient was too far gone by the time I had arrived on the scene.

How many people walked out of surgery? 0 - it was a well behaved operating theatre
Best Performance? The end credits
Worst Performance? Pretty much everyone involved. Though a special mention to the needle through the nipple bit - well done to all involved!
Will 'us' Christians Cope? I'm not sure, do Christians like watching people cut up, kill and having sex around dead bodies?
This film is as enjoyable as... Having someone sneeze into your mouth
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – m

Things I love about the world 5

Number 5: Daytime TV

First of all - in ITV's own words

'The Jeremy Kyle Show on ITV1 is one of Britain's most-loved, watched and talked-about shows.

It deals with family and relationship issues and also takes a look at the everyday conflicts that affect our lives. Jeremy's won many awards for his unique style of resolving issues.

He's not afraid to speak his mind and believes the only way to solve a problem is through honesty and openness.'

When your unemployed, lazy, backwards or still living with your parents at 34 - The Jeremy Kyle show offers some relief to the usual daily routine of staring out of the window, reading the Daily Sport and drinking yesterdays dregs of the Stella off of your stained vest.

What better to do, then to watch people who are not fit to be anywhere out of the house, let alone on TV completely air their dirty laundry so that we can gloat, cheer and watch Jeremy Kyle tell a bemused looking male who only has one tooth in his mouth that he 'makes him sick' and is a 'disgrace.'

Where else in the world can we see such hatred and broken families at 10:30 in the morning? Thats right - on ITV. In a world where we have become hopelessly desensitised, nothing really shocks us or interests us anymore - but Jeremy certainly tries.

With topics of the show generally ranging from the 3 topics of 'I hate you so much and I want the world to know this,' 'I caught you doing something and I have you so much and I want the world to know this' and 'You're the father of my son/daughter and I hate you so much and I want the world to know this.' And of course when I say the world, I mean the unemployed, lazy, backwards or still living with your parents at 34 population - or the studio audience who clap, boo and jeer on cue as Jeremy conducts them like a dictator at the proms.

So if you do ever find yourself at home on a weekday morning, you could tune in to the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' as you aimlessly channel hop in the hope of finding something resembling a personality on your 999 channels - or you could do something a bit more meaningful for the same level of enjoyment. Like paper cutting your toes.

Things I love about the world 4

Number 4: The Wicker Man (The remake)

By far the funniest film I have ever seen. And if you want convincing, check out the following videos...





Seriously. Its a work of art. If anyone wants to come round and watch it please let me know.

Wade Bros Productions latest film - Ben 10

Feeding their nephews obsession with the Tv phenomenon that is Ben 10, Wade Bros Productions present their latest film - Ben 10!

Starring the international star Dylan Wade and seeing a return to the screen of Paul and Tom Wade, Ben 10 is a film that WILL change your life.

Things I love about the World 3

Number 3: Tom Cruise

I love his smile and nice laugh.

I'm sleeping in a box outside for the next few days, but I'll be storing up numbers 4 to 6!

Things I love about the World 2

Number 2: Reboots

When films don't do so well in Hollywood and the world becomes tired of the ever decreasing in quality sequels, a franchise goes to sleep for a while. This upsets me. We need more sequels so we can see our favourite characters on screen again and again!

Thank goodness that Hollywood has realised this and decided that instead of now giving us sequels to films we get 'Reboots!'

Do you have a franchise that died? Don't make a sequel - reboot it! Start again as if nothing has ever gone before. People love reboots and especially like the same films/TV shows as 20 years ago but with better effects! I'm with you people. Lets hope this trend continues.

Now if you'll excuse me -I'm off to go see 'Meet the Spartans.' I love spoof movies...

Things I love about the world.

Here starts a new series.

Number 1: Music from Phones

People playing music on their mobile phones. Really loudly. Why keep the music to yourself when the whole bus/street/town can bop to the same aggressive rap as you?! And this saves money on headphones, which as we know will of course save the environment.

I see this as a modern radio for the new generation. Keep up the good work people!

Holiday fun.

Recycling. We all need to do it. But what happens to our batteries?! These little cylinders of love that come into our lives and bring energy and power one day burn out. They are discarded - thrown out like flowers into the wind.

BUT

This can change. And so I present to you 25 alternative uses for Batteries once the power has run out.

1. Hair curlers
2. Substitute lego tree
3. Small table leg
4. Ear plug
5. Bullets
6. Pogo stick
7. Everlasting candle stick
8. Toilet plunger
9. Boomerang
10. High heel
11. Baby Jesus in the Nativity display
12. Gumshield
13. Guitar Plectrum
14. Pet fish
15. Tweezers
16. Belt buckle
17. Midget rope
18. Bottle cork
19. Bum plug
20. Nose plug
21. Bowling Pins
22. Violin Bow
23. Compass
24. Blindfold
25. Flowers

In other news I have started to write songs. Except news on an album and recording with the genius Andy Malcolm and Holy Joely soon.

And I'm a Firefighter.

El Orfanato

One line summary - A couple's son goes missing in the Orphanage in which the mother grew up in. Que freaky masked kid scaring the bejeezes out of us,her and everyone else in the cinema as she searches for her child.

I like scary movies. Ever since witnessing my first 'scary' movie (Arachnaphobia - which I know is a comedy, but at age 4 it was the scariest thing I had ever witnessed) and listening to the screams of innocents being chewed up in 'Jaws' (I had been sent to bed due to the horror) at a young age, I have been drawn to the shock jumps and psychological torment.

Recently I have been lamenting the trend of 'horror porn,' the view that to scare us all we need is a few prosthetic limps, lots of severed heads and splashes of nudity - because actually it doesn't scare us. Horror has now been altered to simply shock and get cheap jumps from the audience - but ask anyone what the scariest movie they have seen is and I can guarantee that it will be a film that isn't scared to use psychology to unnerve the viewer, but also its a film that recognises that its the viewers imagination that is the filmmakers greatest tool. What we don't see is ten times more scary.

Which brings me to 'The Orphanage' or 'El Orfanato' to give it its proper Spanish title. Juan Antonio Bayona's (and not Guillermo del Toro - who is simply acting as a cheerleader for the film and had nothing to do with it) dark reality is gripping, unnerving and butt clenchingly good.

What really works for 'The Orphanage' is that its power is in the unknown. The squeaky door, the footsteps coming up the stairs, the shadow on the wall and children laughing. In fact we never witness a brutal murder (although one accidental death and a gruesome jaw hanging off) and spend most of the film watching the face of the excellent Belén Rueda as she struggles to cope with the world she can't believe in, begin to come true.

The scariest film I have seen in a long time, and one that you can take your Mother to as well. Just don't go playing 'What's the time Mr Wolf' straight afterwards.

'Seeing isn't believing - its the other way round'

Make sure you check out Matt Adcock's review here!

How many people walked out? 0 - though a couple did fall asleep.
Best Performance? Belén Rueda is great!
Worst Performance? The marketing people who are making people believe this is a Guillermo del Toro film.
Will 'us' Christians Cope? A horror film with no knives, or blood! But it does have possible ghosts and some of the action takes place at night - and as we know being awake in the early hours of the morning IS NOT BIBLICAL!
This film is as enjoyable as... Playing hide and seek in the dark with a convicted murderer
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmmm

Blue Man Group

This week I have developed a bit of a blue ink problem.

Everyday I find blue ink on some part of my body, on every possession I own, but mostly on my hands.

I have emptied every bag I own, destroyed every pen in my pencil case and changed my clothes regularly, but still the blue ink comes.

Today I awoke with new blue ink on my hands.

The problem does not seem to be ending anytime soon.

I think I may have a stigmata.

Cottage cheese - with blood

If you go down to the woods today,
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down to the woods today,
You'd better be careful of the crazy country man in a texas chainsaw massacre disguise.
For every crook that will be played by Andy Serkis and Reece Shearsmith
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day the psycho man has his (severed foot) picnic.

Picnic time for crazy psycho man;
The arguing crooks are trying a lousy kidnap attempt today.
Watch him catch them unawares,
And see him rip a spine out of another guy.
See them run crazily about.
They make us laugh and shout,
They'll soon be missing their heads!
By 12o'clock some teeth and some feet
Will be rolling by their feet
Because they're dead little crooks unaware.

How many people walked out? 0 - go Luton!
Best Performance? Andy Serkis and Reece Shearsmith are both actually very funny
Worst Performance? Jennifer Ellison is just a bit too annoying (which she is meant to be - but anyway)
Will 'us' Christians Cope? A kidnapping?! Arguing brothers! Driving without a seatbelt on! (and some murders)
This film is as enjoyable as... Discovering you possess the natural talent of juggling.
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – mmmm

Writing essays is a magical experience.

But only because it means that I play more computer games than I do at any other point in the year (I am now the Smash Bros master) and that in attempts to do anything other than write my essay I come across stories such as this.

Now I acknowledge that I am a suffer of 'not in my house Parcopresis' But I think that she was a bit more extreme than me...

Super Chair

Today I got hit with possibly the oldest trick in the school book.

Super glue on my chair.

I guess I can take away the positive that it wasn't meant for me - what isn't so positive is my suit trousers that look pretty much beyond repair...

Ethical Dilemma...

So with one essay done (assessing the media with contextulisation and a relevant missiology) and the next to come (ethics) I find myself here trawling through books sticking in post-it notes on pages that I think will be of use. But its as I do this that I worry about how I am approaching this essay. For an ethical issue such as abortion (which my essay is on) its alarming at just how detached I find myself as I write. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe its not.

But one ethical dilemma that I do find myself seriously annoyed at is reports that Michael Owen is apparently demanding a pay rise to his £104,000 a week wages next year. This is from a man who is in his worst form of his career, terribly injury prone and has cost Newcastle over £30 million pounds since he has joined, repaying them with just 13 goals and just 31 first team starts in 3 years.

30 million pounds?! And seriously - how can someone justify earning more than £104,000 a week for playing football? It makes me angry when I think what else that money could be spent on.

In other news - I finally introduced Ridley Hall to foreign films on Monday, I'm hoping now we wont be looking back.

And I've just finished melting my brain with 'The Fountain.' Truly awe inspiring.

Diary of the (brain) Dead

One line Summary: Dead people come back to life (again) and some pompous film students decide to film it - 'Because people need to know the TRUTH!'

George Romero pretty much invented the Zombie genre - so you have to give him some credit. Unfortunately though he now appears to have completely buried and soiled his line of work with a film so bad that I feel dirty thinking about it. With an evening of film that started pretty averagely (thank you 'Vantage Point') little did I know that I was hurtling very painfully to the pits of hell.

I like Zombie films, I don't particularly know why, but sometimes you can't beat an undead munching on an innocents intestines to pass the time. "Diary of the Dead' however, will take a while to erase itself from my consciousness, making me unwittingly twitch at the very thought of having to watch another Zombie again.

Romero is known for basing his films of social sattire (Dawn of the Dead - attack on consumerism) which is great, and its fun to watch his films with this knowledge. However, 'Diary of the Dead’ spends the entire running time of the movie drilling messages of how lame our society is, how we never know the truth, and how EVIL blogging and Myspace is, into our heads through continuous voice-overs (that play over slow motion recaps of the previous scene - just in case you nodded off) that you leave the feeling like a Zombie.

I wish I had a few positive things to say about 'Diary of the Dead' but alas there is only one. In a film filled with thoroughly unlikeable characters, when Samuel, the elderly deaf zombie killing Amish man turns up its pretty much Christmas. I'm not sure if he's meant to be funny, but I laughed so I guess that was good.

And thats where the good stuff ends. From then on everything about this film is more depressing than erectile dysfunction. Shot in a documentary style that neither looks realistic, nor has heart, (and is done much better in 'Cloverfield') we are forced to see the action through our 'director' who is constantly told 'things aren't real unless they are in front of the camera' and 'why are you filming me.' And not only that, but our director appears as a souless evil being who would rather film his friends being killed then aid them - this made for very uncomfortable and unpleasant viewing. Again this may have been the intention - but I'm not buying it.

Every actor in the film appears to have the acting ability more akin to a poster of Hayden Christensen (and fitting into perfect stereotypes) while also having secret agent shooting abilities - the script is horrid, the plot convoluted and absolutely shock free. Seriously - I've had scarier breakfasts.

I'm not quite sure how it was possible for Romero to make a Zombie film quite this bad - but hats off to him - somehow he's managed. Quite simply the worst film of 2008.

How many people walked out?3 - and I nearly joined them
Best Performance? Wait - people were acting?!
Worst Performance? Everyone involved.
Will 'us' Christians Cope? Forget the Christians, everyone should hate this!
This film is as enjoyable as... Defecating yourself in the workplace
Waderiffic Oscar men (out of 5) – Zero